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It's now 5.59pm of the 31st of Dec 2014. Last day of the year 2014.... Time to sum up this year in this single entry. I supposed I can say I learned and experienced a lot this year. I learned a lot about myself and my life. I learned a lot about others and their part or role in my life. And of course I learned the best and worst parts of Love...or in Love. I cannot say it has totally been a bad year, neither can I said it has been a great year. From work I learned the experience of staying and change. I understand more what I want and what I need in life in terms of work. From work which for us common people plays a very very big part of time. We spent almost 1/2 of the time at work or doing work or thinking about work. Yet how can this biggest part be happy or bring happiness if there is no passion or joy in the every little thing we do? This I learned that I need something that is my passion or I am passionate about. It can be the only sustainable driving force for almost 1/2 of our time daily.

Outside of Love, I can say I finally found or understood God, and the message he has for me. For this I have sort of figured out my core I suppose. My core that transcends all levels of my life and all levels of my being. Being a live. Being  where I am now. But also as my core is Love, but not the perfect God's Love, am an flawed and understand that my Love can be selfish, and most of the time unrequited. But then so is God's Love I supposed. It is the most unconditional and most unrequited at times to the human race that seems to not focus their life on Him but on more things and them self. I can said I loved twice this year, and it it true the more I loved with my heart the more heart broken I get. Especially when the word "impossible" comes into the picture. I loved one for his passion and life; I loved another for his character and personality in life and love. But yet both are beyond what I can have or need. I suppose at the end of the day its the path I chose this year. To return to a place that cannot give me what I need at this stage of my life. As my "problem" comes to an end this year, and this driving purpose goes away; I am forced to look for another purpose or in another word my true purpose in life. I cannot find it where I am anymore, as a dear friend told me before that we have to live by our purpose and when you cannot find your purpose anymore then its time to think about finding it somewhere else that can give you that purpose....also change is the only thing constant, and change is also the only thing that we have power over in ourselves. We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves.

I am not sure if I an doing the correct thing, but I supposed in the new 2015 it is something I have to do for myself. Its the only thing that I feel is the correct or appropriate decision for this part of my life.

As 2014 draws to a close, I live back the memories of the ones I love and ones I Loved. The moments and events that happen. I cannot control now my missing of it when change comes in the swift wind. I think as many would say that its easiest to rip a bandaid off then to tear it slowly. This change will come at the change of time, many will not understand, many will question is it what they assume, many will get angry(perhaps) and many will be lost. But I think at this moment I cannot worry about all these, and cannot stay in the moment of regrets I have gathered over years and now feeling the possibility of regrets in the decision. I have to leap first and see what comes....

So a Happy New Year to all and that may we all find what we are looking for in 2015...

Cheers
Augy
45532 I will always have memories...
I leave all with this song, the version that I like(as it is my blog, hahaha) have a good count down and a better New Year...

Another Trip

I realized that every time I go for a trip....I feel I fear the unknown but also I feel I may not return...

Overwhelmed...

It is to date 4 yrs counting since I started this life style....perhaps it is redemption for my play time I had....but it has grown increasingly difficult to stay positive on things....I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired....tired of everything that happens, tired of everything that is going on....tired of this life style and the constant struggle of money and time.....I am not sure if I can hold out anymore.

Perhaps release is the right way. My Grampa chose it in the end....perhaps this is a possible turn of events for me that will release me finally from this trap I have fallen into.

Stricken by the loneliness of time, and the despair hitting me from every angle. I am about to lose the battle.

I wonder who will read this before it is really too late....

4522

It's Almost Completed....

I can feel it already.....it was a good run....I am almost done with all things I set out to do.....some regrets but nothing I can do with it anymore....It's almost time....It's almost completed....Time for Curtain Call...

Lost

Sincerely I don't know what the FUCK am I doing anymore....

Let it Go....

It has been a literally crazy couple of weeks for me....went through one of the toughs times of my life....but it as also a good learning for myself...learning that decision are made by me not by others....and others will try to influence but in the end the choice is mine and as long as my choice is what I want, it should not matter who else that tries to influences me....but more then the difficulties of handling people in my life....I also learned that firstly when times are tough I have few to no one to relay or depend on....when its crunch time, I cannot depend on anyone, not even those I deemed closest to my heart....I am along and will for now be on my own to settle things. I choosed Water....from Blood and so I have to understand also that Although Blood Clots, Water can also flow away.... At the age of almost 34, I now realised I can only depend on myself.

Ironically, this week is also the week I get the see Frozen, to understand being shut away with the key thrown away only to come out to a world that cannot accept me or I cannot live in. I can only Let it Go and live on my own to understand myself and what I can do, till the time when I can return to the world that judges and does not understand me. Not even my closest....

Like the song, I been hiding, from letting others see, feel, concealing myself....but now its time to let it go, to see what I can do, what my limits are and have a break through...the past is in the past....that perfect "girl" or Boy is gone....let the storm rage on...it never bothered me anyways....I still survived...

Blood or Water.....I don't really care anymore....let it clot let it flow away....
I am who I am....I can only be me myself and I....

Looking Back.....Moving Front....For Auld Lang Syne

It's 11.18pm of the first day of work and the second day of the New Year...I am sitting in my room, on the bed, with the song <Auld Lang Syne> from the Movie <New Year's Eve> playing on repeat on my TV. I am trying to remember 2013 and everything that has happened...like the words of Auld Lang Syne, remembering the days that has gone by.... the year started with resolutions made at Spize@Rivervalley just after the last Mambo of 2012. With my buddy Gene and his pre-daddy status, trying to figure out how 2013 will be and trying to make 2013 better then it could be. But of course in life, everything is subjective to what can and will happen. So with that feeling, I spend the New Year's eve at my bestie house counting down to the new 2013. The year can, fireworks was fired, the global turned and everything time zone celebrated this new beginnings one by one. We entered into this year not knowing what that can happen and what is possible, but we all looked for something new and better along the way. Mine came in April just before my birthday on the event of the Accession Mass in church as I did first time in years that attended Mass, Sung in Church and Choir and participated with a ministry in this event. I suppose with everyone, there are always moments of change, moments we swear by that had a changing of life, and this was I supposedly mine. A change in my mind and my heart. I started to understand what is life, and why life is like that for me. For I finally understand Love is all that is important in life, that I was conceived in Love and born into Love. A Love that has never left and that for myself I know that I have this unending Love in my heart that I have always know but have buried because of life. I entered into Love when I took my first breath, I lost Love when I didn't know whilst breathing and now found it again with even deeper breathes. A change began and I see me changing as I entered into an unlikely place, group and role. As my Love in my heart grew for these wonderful people, I feel again that Love is all I need and can give in this life time that I have spent the last few years hiding in this shell I have created from the inside. Week after week, Saturday after Saturday, I proceed with the only thing that made my life have meaning, and over and over again I Loved. I feel so fulfilled, so belonged again. But yet I cannot transcend this into my Kinship. I held a angry that past thru the years and over time like wars of kingdoms of old, that the actual reason of why the anger is lost in time and that all remains the feeling of anger. I carried this half of my life in Love, and another half in anger. The months drove by and as I once again reached the ending of a year, I was given an amazing opportunity but with constraints that made me thing over and over if this opportunity is correct, or right. But there is no correct or right opportunity, only those that comes and those that we grab. So with a confused heart, I decided to take the chance and move in to the light and whatever that comes. The struggle to finally decided to leave and move, was a painful one, but I think a good one for me at that stage and so I took wood and wrote my peace. The year's end moved quickly that Christmas came again, this Christmas I would say was a lost and found one, lost in  what is new, where is everything and why I am feeling so empty, found one because of the opportunity ahead but the new found family and the dinner time I found on Christmas' eve. We feasted, we drank, and we counted down to Christmas. And after that it was back to a busy ending of the year and its Gala premiere of the dinner of thanks. We worked, we deco-ed, we cooked and everything was unperfectly perfect.....oxymoron? Maybe but it was a good time to see the people I Loved and Love together for one last time before the year ended. So the moments passed, the hours counted, the Mass Dance finished. After 25 pieces of Chicken breast and 60 pieces of Cod fish, the event ended, and we rested. Two more days to the New Year. In these two days, I feel no closer to feeling the renewal of the new year or the beginning of new things. But more stagnant and trapped in the feeling of lovelessness. Yes, ironic that having bathed in Love and filled with Love that now the only thing missing was Love itself. Love that I can Love and Love me back. But it was not the only thing, the feeling of lost and unable to see thru the looking glass of 2013 to 2014 scared me that I am losing touch of reality and slowly slipping into the shell of hiding. New Year Eve came and for the first time in years that I had dinner, and a count down(as usual) but followed by clubbing with people that I lest expected, It was a fun night that ended at 6.30am when I reached home, but still I did not feel that feeling of renewal and change that I was looking for. The first day came and first day passed as we entered into the second day of the supposedly new year and also the first day of work. But day was not a great one, with issue of old, but moving a head a good dinner and chat with a dear friend and colleague, an accompanied journey home and now I am here, at 11.46pm, almost 30 mins later that I still wondered after typing all these where is the new year? And now, I sit here thinking again. Like the song on repeat, we have wandered on weary foots, but for me it feels weary heart...heart that not sure if it is empty of filled. A choice I would say my bestie would say, for a choice to see if a cup is half full or half empty. I want to see it as filled with Love, but to my left and right still no one sits, my weary hearts yearns for something more. And as the song repeats for umpteen time.....I have to believe that 2014 will be better, with or without a resolution list, with or without Love to the left or right to me...I have to believe that life will get better when I decide that life will be, and I will believe it can and will be better. I take this outlook and this song Auld Lang Syne of looking back at days of old that the days of new will be good....all will be good.... 

With this feeling of believing, I will go into slumber and continue to believe in that is needed to be believed.

So I go back to my favorite quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson:

"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though, We are not now that strength which in old days, Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." 

- Ulysses - Alfred Lord Tennyson