Lose and Release

This is the only Safe place I can say this because all other medias are compromised with the friends list and attachment.
As natural, the time is running out of itself and eventually I have to let go. I am not ready to Lose you but I have no choice but to Release you from me.
I love you Joel De Cruz, always and forever. It will never change. It will never expire.

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It's now 5.59pm of the 31st of Dec 2014. Last day of the year 2014.... Time to sum up this year in this single entry. I supposed I can say I learned and experienced a lot this year. I learned a lot about myself and my life. I learned a lot about others and their part or role in my life. And of course I learned the best and worst parts of Love...or in Love. I cannot say it has totally been a bad year, neither can I said it has been a great year. From work I learned the experience of staying and change. I understand more what I want and what I need in life in terms of work. From work which for us common people plays a very very big part of time. We spent almost 1/2 of the time at work or doing work or thinking about work. Yet how can this biggest part be happy or bring happiness if there is no passion or joy in the every little thing we do? This I learned that I need something that is my passion or I am passionate about. It can be the only sustainable driving force for almost 1/2 of our time daily.

Outside of Love, I can say I finally found or understood God, and the message he has for me. For this I have sort of figured out my core I suppose. My core that transcends all levels of my life and all levels of my being. Being a live. Being  where I am now. But also as my core is Love, but not the perfect God's Love, am an flawed and understand that my Love can be selfish, and most of the time unrequited. But then so is God's Love I supposed. It is the most unconditional and most unrequited at times to the human race that seems to not focus their life on Him but on more things and them self. I can said I loved twice this year, and it it true the more I loved with my heart the more heart broken I get. Especially when the word "impossible" comes into the picture. I loved one for his passion and life; I loved another for his character and personality in life and love. But yet both are beyond what I can have or need. I suppose at the end of the day its the path I chose this year. To return to a place that cannot give me what I need at this stage of my life. As my "problem" comes to an end this year, and this driving purpose goes away; I am forced to look for another purpose or in another word my true purpose in life. I cannot find it where I am anymore, as a dear friend told me before that we have to live by our purpose and when you cannot find your purpose anymore then its time to think about finding it somewhere else that can give you that purpose....also change is the only thing constant, and change is also the only thing that we have power over in ourselves. We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves.

I am not sure if I an doing the correct thing, but I supposed in the new 2015 it is something I have to do for myself. Its the only thing that I feel is the correct or appropriate decision for this part of my life.

As 2014 draws to a close, I live back the memories of the ones I love and ones I Loved. The moments and events that happen. I cannot control now my missing of it when change comes in the swift wind. I think as many would say that its easiest to rip a bandaid off then to tear it slowly. This change will come at the change of time, many will not understand, many will question is it what they assume, many will get angry(perhaps) and many will be lost. But I think at this moment I cannot worry about all these, and cannot stay in the moment of regrets I have gathered over years and now feeling the possibility of regrets in the decision. I have to leap first and see what comes....

So a Happy New Year to all and that may we all find what we are looking for in 2015...

Cheers
Augy
45532 I will always have memories...
I leave all with this song, the version that I like(as it is my blog, hahaha) have a good count down and a better New Year...

Another Trip

I realized that every time I go for a trip....I feel I fear the unknown but also I feel I may not return...

Overwhelmed...

It is to date 4 yrs counting since I started this life style....perhaps it is redemption for my play time I had....but it has grown increasingly difficult to stay positive on things....I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired....tired of everything that happens, tired of everything that is going on....tired of this life style and the constant struggle of money and time.....I am not sure if I can hold out anymore.

Perhaps release is the right way. My Grampa chose it in the end....perhaps this is a possible turn of events for me that will release me finally from this trap I have fallen into.

Stricken by the loneliness of time, and the despair hitting me from every angle. I am about to lose the battle.

I wonder who will read this before it is really too late....

4522

It's Almost Completed....

I can feel it already.....it was a good run....I am almost done with all things I set out to do.....some regrets but nothing I can do with it anymore....It's almost time....It's almost completed....Time for Curtain Call...

Lost

Sincerely I don't know what the FUCK am I doing anymore....

Let it Go....

It has been a literally crazy couple of weeks for me....went through one of the toughs times of my life....but it as also a good learning for myself...learning that decision are made by me not by others....and others will try to influence but in the end the choice is mine and as long as my choice is what I want, it should not matter who else that tries to influences me....but more then the difficulties of handling people in my life....I also learned that firstly when times are tough I have few to no one to relay or depend on....when its crunch time, I cannot depend on anyone, not even those I deemed closest to my heart....I am along and will for now be on my own to settle things. I choosed Water....from Blood and so I have to understand also that Although Blood Clots, Water can also flow away.... At the age of almost 34, I now realised I can only depend on myself.

Ironically, this week is also the week I get the see Frozen, to understand being shut away with the key thrown away only to come out to a world that cannot accept me or I cannot live in. I can only Let it Go and live on my own to understand myself and what I can do, till the time when I can return to the world that judges and does not understand me. Not even my closest....

Like the song, I been hiding, from letting others see, feel, concealing myself....but now its time to let it go, to see what I can do, what my limits are and have a break through...the past is in the past....that perfect "girl" or Boy is gone....let the storm rage on...it never bothered me anyways....I still survived...

Blood or Water.....I don't really care anymore....let it clot let it flow away....
I am who I am....I can only be me myself and I....